Hi, Marilynn: I am a reasonably fit, 56-year-old woman with a 68-year-old boyfriend who has a big beer belly. He doesn't drink a lot of beer, but he is sedentary. I've read some advice about how to encourage someone to be active. I do invite him to walk with me, go to the gym and eat ice cream from a small cup. But he doesn't seem to have much desire, even though he frequently says, "I'm going to get back in shape." Maybe you could speak to this. I'm sure there are others in the same boat. Thanks. — Gail

Gail! This is a wonderful question. What motivates sedentary people to be active? If I knew the answer, I'd be more popular than the Navy SEALs, with my own TV show on the Oprah channel. The truth is we don't really know. If we did, our health care crisis would be cured and our national debt would be pocket change.

Here's what we do know: convincing loved ones to make healthier choices isn't easy. Research shows that people only change when they are ready. They have to understand deep down that daily exercise and smart eating — just two of the many changes you might want to see in Mr. Big Beer Belly — has a payoff they personally desire.

People don't make long-lasting change for other people. Take that on board. They do it for themselves. A serious health scare — a heart attack, cancer, a stroke — can be a great motivator, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So here are some strategies that might just trigger his change of heart, and mind:

— Sit him down for a frank talk about your concerns. No shame, no blame, no judgment. Use "I statements," such as, "I feel helpless when you ..." and "I'm scared that ... ." Then listen — without interruption — to his responses.

If he reiterates, "I'm going to get back in shape," help him focus on the specifics. Get out pen and paper. What's he going to do? How many days a week? If he can detail a plan of his own, it's an excellent first step. Most important, be patient and loving. And persistent. At 68, change isn't easy, but it certainly is possible. Get him to agree to that, and your chance of success goes way up.

— Gift him a few sessions with a suitable, savvy fitness trainer. I know it's an expense, but so is heart disease and diabetes. Find a trainer who has experience and success motivating older guys, so yours might end up in shared sessions or small group classes. Misery loves company, and even if your boyfriend isn't miserable, he'll benefit from the company of other overweight men who are in the same big-need-to-change boat.

— Losing money can be a super motivator, so try this: Make a bet with your boyfriend that involves a meaningful amount of cash. Each of you sets goals: pounds lost, number of visits to the gym, miles walked in a week, doughnuts denied. If he fails to meet his goal, he pays you. If you fail, you pay him. If you're both successful, no money passes ... but it's a real win-win situation. An alternative to paying each other is contributing money to a getaway fund that finances your next shared vacation. I love that idea!

— One big fat reason your boyfriend isn't exercising is that he hasn't found a physical activity he really likes. When he does, he'll do it because it's fun, and rewarding, and he feels better doing it than not doing it. Your challenge? Find that activity. Spend several days a week with him, trying new things. Rollerblading? Tennis? Tango? Golf? Yoga? There's a sport for everyone, and the sooner Mr. BBB finds his, the happier you'll both be.

— My final suggestion has to do with acceptance. It's a noble aspiration to coax a loved one down the road to a healthier lifestyle. But the truth is, you may not be able to change your boyfriend's sedentary habits. What you do have the power to change is your reaction. Is it a deal-breaker? Only you can say.

ENERGY EXPRESS-O! GETTING TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER

"The bottom line is that people are never perfect, but love can be ... We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating that perfect love." — Tom Robbins

Marilynn Preston — fitness expert, personal trainer and speaker on healthy lifestyle issues — is the creator of Energy Express, the longest-running syndicated fitness column in the country. She has a website, http://marilynnpreston.com and welcomes reader questions, which can be sent to MyEnergyExpress@aol.com.