Dear Margo: My husband and I are in our late 20s and have been married nearly five years. It's been a fairly good and happy marriage. Before we got married, we agreed that we would move to my home state (a 12-hour drive away) in five or six years, and also that we would have children in that same timeframe. Now that the five-year mark is fast approaching, my husband is getting cold feet.

This has definitely become a point of contention in our relationship. Even though I'm fairly happy now and I do love him, I feel I will get more sad and depressed with each passing year, and I'm having thoughts that maybe I should leave him now so I have time to move home, find someone else and have children instead of wasting more time. Should I try to wait him out, or is there a better solution? — Looking to the Future

Dear Look: Get out your scale, because you need to weigh all the factors in terms of their importance to you: this man, this marriage, which city will be home and having children. Your opening salvo should be to tell him that some of your decision to marry him was based on his agreement with the five-year plan, and that you feel he has broken an implicit contract between the two of you. If the suggestion that you might have to rethink your options does not move him to come to a satisfying compromise, then, as I said, you will have to prioritize. (I, personally, do not think that going out with friends "on a whim" is a particularly mature reason to remain childless.) One thing I would not do, however, is "try to wait him out." If you lose that bet, you will be out of time and out of luck. — Margo, decisively

Cringe-Worthy or Amusing?

Dear Margo: This is a little odd, but I am not writing about a problem my husband and I are having, but about a problem our friends are having with us. Truly, we are in a happy, functioning marriage. We really do like each other, but we get divorced several times a day. Some people confuse what we think of as "friendly fights" with serious discord. We're just in the habit of correcting each other and probably playing devil's advocate more than most couples. It has always been this way between us (18 years), and we are none the worse for wear. Some good friends are used to us, but others think we are the Bickersons on the brink of divorce. Do you think we're nuts? — Contented

Dear Con: I would not say nuts ... maybe argumentative. Some couples actually thrive on the relationship you describe. There are varying degrees of "friendly fights," however, and I'll take your word for it that you are just two prickly personalities who enjoy the battle.

In some instances, though — and this is what the outer circle of friends may be perceiving — romantic partners who really don't like each other feed on the warfare, and in a strange way, that is what keeps the marriage together. This, of course, is neurotic, if not punitive (think "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"). I have found that smart people don't hang around with seriously angry couples. Perhaps you could tone down your contretemps when you're in public so that you don't scare people. — Margo, reasonably

Perhaps Stop Planning To Get a Stomachache

Dear Margo: I think my husband is addicted to porn. We recently visited Las Vegas and had a fairly good time, even though he lost all the cash we had at the slot machines. But that's a different letter. While there, we were going to see a show but couldn't agree on which one. I wanted to see one of the highly recommended shows like Cirque du Soleil, but he wanted to see one of the erotic nude shows.

I am not interested in seeing any type of show with naked people in it. I don't know why he thinks I would find that enjoyable, when I could be seeing "The Phantom of the Opera" or something good. He says next time we go to Vegas, we will each pick a show and then go see the other's show with them. Should I agree and then, when the show makes my stomach hurt, excuse myself to go to the restroom and not come back? I don't want to see other men naked. And all I think about is that our daughter is 19 and how would I feel if she were baring her body for hundreds of men? — Am I a Prude?

Dear Am: I have not been to Vegas since Bugsy Siegel was in charge, but I feel certain a big production with semi-naked showgirls is not what you are imagining. I would go for his "you pick one, I pick one" idea. And do remember, your 19-year-old daughter is not performing. You have somehow made more of this than it is worth. And I would not want to see naked men on a stage, either. That is why they do not have such a show in Las Vegas. — Margo, open-mindedly

Being Party-Averse Is Not Abnormal

Dear Margo: I'm really desperate for an honest opinion because I'm starting to doubt myself. I have always been a quiet, keep-to-myself kind of person. I have a small group of friends and family I spend time with, but I do prefer to do most things alone. I am friendly and quick to smile and always say "hi" to my neighbors. For my kids, I participate in birthday parties, school field trips, slumber parties and play dates. But since I have never enjoyed the party scene, my ex makes a point of informing everyone (including my neighbors) that I am "anti-social."

Recently, a new family moved in downstairs. They quickly befriended everyone on our side of the complex, and their small family BBQs have escalated to include almost all of our neighbors at least three times a week. They gather at the bottom of my stairs, making it difficult for me to come and go without walking through the middle of their party. Plus, I have to close all my windows and doors to keep the strong smell of weed out. I have started to wonder whether there is something wrong with me, that maybe I should join them and start bonding. Am I anti-social? Is it wrong of me to feel uncomfortable and not enjoy constant socializing? — Abnormal or Private?

Dear Ab: If you are anti-social, then so am I. The actual definition is being "unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people." From what you write, you do not qualify. There is nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself and often preferring solitude to making small talk with others. (And with young children, really, how much solitude can there be?) One's internal makeup determines the degree of wanting to be alone or in a group. Some people are just shy, which should not be confused with being anti-social. In your case, choosing not to party at thrice-weekly BBQs, with pot smoking included, sounds like a good decision to me. Forget the ex's needling "diagnosis" and live your life. — Margo, empathetically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD