Dear Margo: A little more than a year ago, I sensed something off with my wife. Naturally, I asked, and for a couple of weeks, the answer was "nothing," just tired, hard day, etc. Finally, after a few weeks of watching her walk around as if the end of the world were coming, I demanded to know what was wrong. Then I got a different answer: "I'm not happy, and I don't know why." This rocked my world. I thought things had never been better between us: beautiful home, great kids, ages 6 and 13, successful in our careers, etc. (We've been married 14 years.) I asked again a few weeks later and got hit even harder. She said she "loves me but isn't in love with me," and that she feels she has missed out on life, is attracted to other people, wants to date (though I don't have anyone pinned down yet), isn't into sex with me anymore, and believes I've morphed into "a brother or a friend." Blam!

I did some digging and found she had not one but two secret e-mail accounts that she created for just one person. I never found anything incriminating in either account, but their existence alone was incriminating enough. When I confronted her and asked what it was all about, she said he was just a "smoke buddy" and she did it because rumors had spread at work about the fact that he always came to her desk to get her for a smoke break.

We contemplated separating, but neither would pull the trigger. I went into save-this-sinking-ship mode and did what I thought was best, which was to work on the marriage. I told her I needed a few things for this to work for me: Hug me once in a while, kiss me once in a while, call me for the occasional lunch, and initiate sex once in a while. None of those things has happened consistently. She does one of them a few times and then acts like she does it all the time. I'm at the end of my rope. I sometimes think she is trying to make me the bad guy by getting me so frustrated that I leave. Please let me know your opinion about how you think I should proceed. — Over a Barrel

Dear Ove: "I love you but am not in love with you" is my personal favorite phrase signifying nonsense. I think it is a jerky, immature way of actually saying, "You interest me not at all and let's call it a day." As for the buddy at work, I don't think it much matters whether he is smoking with her or merely smokin' hot. She is not giving you what you need, and she is dissatisfied with the marriage. Why not have a trial separation and see where each of you comes out at the end of a specified period? Try to get a short-term rental close to your house so the children can see both parents with ease. — Margo, analytically

Wedding Bell Blues — or Blacks?

Dear Margo: My mom's best friend's daughter (confusing, right?) is getting married in June. The bridesmaid dresses are black, with hot pink as the accent color. I found a dress to wear to the wedding that I really like and could wear again on a lot of occasions. The only problem is that it's black. My mom's friend is very upset about this and wants me to buy another dress in a different color. My argument is that a lot of other guests will be in black. The only reason I know that the bridesmaids are wearing black is because my mom and the bride's mom are close friends. It's a popular color, and I don't think you should tell your guests what to wear. Besides, who will care or even remember, anyway? So, should I keep the dress I love or go searching for another? — Girl in Black

Dear Girl: Keep the dress. The bride's mother is off base on this particular subject. Unless she's willing to call all the female guests to ask that they not wear black, tell your mother her friend's concern is screwy and not to discuss it with her. Over and out. — Margo, festively

An Atypical Ex-Wife Issue

Dear Margo: My boyfriend of almost a year is good friends with his ex-wife, which is great. Before I met him, I worked with said ex-wife. We were friendly co-workers — had nice chats, group lunches, etc. — but never hung out. I never knew the two of them as a couple, and everyone is happy with the current situation; there's no tension. We occasionally catch up over drinks — sometimes the three of us, sometimes with other mutual friends. It's all great.

Here's my issue: They both think she and I should be good friends independently, while I see us more as friendly acquaintances. We don't have much in common besides a shared work history and a guy. For the record, I view this in the same light as going out with his sister; I wouldn't want to go out with her alone, either. My boyfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable in having reservations. He says I only think it's weird because "society" tells me I should think it's weird. It makes me uncomfortable, so I'm siding with society, but what do you think? — Trying To Be Reasonable

Dear Try: Right now, the score is you, me and society: 1; boyfriend: 0. You might ask him why this matters to him. If pushed, you could say she's OK, but she wouldn't be your pick for a girlfriend if left to your own devices, and what you find weird is that he is trying to push the friendship. That ought to settle the matter. — Margo, independently

Different Responses to Difficult Parents

Dear Margo: My siblings and I were raised in a family where both parents were alcoholics. Our life was filled with the violence of domestic abuse aimed at my mother. We were a very dysfunctional family. That was about 40 years ago. We have managed to move on and forgive our parents, except for my brother and one sister.

My brother lives two hours away from my dad; and my sister, 45 minutes. My dad has dementia and had stomach cancer five years ago. He used to make terrible remarks about a person's weight, etc., and he also had no idea how to communicate with us. My brother and sister still won't go to see him and don't want to bring their children around, even though my dad is no longer like that. My brother said he would pick up my dad and take him to his house to visit, but he has not done it. He and my sister make empty promises to my parents. I am very upset with them and have said so. My brother is always at church on Sundays, so I told him he needs to go back and learn about forgiving people. What do you think? — Kathy

Dear Kath: I think people should do what they feel they need to do. While forgiveness is often healing for the injured party, some early events from childhood are hard to overcome, and so those memories may linger in a realm beyond forgiveness. I would give up badgering your brother and sister, recognizing that how people respond to and recover from early abuse and trauma is a personal thing — not even a choice, but an instinct. I am happy for you that you have moved past a difficult childhood with alcoholic parents. I suggest you lay off your sibs and let their response to your parents ease off into a non-issue. — Margo, forwardly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD