Dear Margo: I recently broke up with my live-in boyfriend. We have six months left on the lease — and a roommate. He is moving into another bedroom in the house. The breakup was probably a long time coming. I still love him, but he couldn't get his act together (i.e., never did a chore unless I nagged him, never wooed me unless I begged for it, and always put himself first). He has a diagnosed psychiatric problem, but he is on medication and sees a counselor regularly.

Since the breakup, he has become depressed, stating that he is worthless and has nothing to offer anyone, and that he'll never date again, etc. I'm not really sure how to handle things, because he is basically asking me (as a friend) for advice about a failed relationship (with me). I would like to remain friends while we ride out the lease and, hopefully, after the lease is over. But I'm worried it's going to be uncomfortable in the house. Do I need to ask him to move out? Most of the furniture in the house is mine, and our roommate is my friend. Should I just attempt to spend as little time as possible in the house on the weekends? Do I continue to give him encouragement with school (he finally went back this year) and life, or am I blurring my role in his life? — Aggie

Dear Ag: It takes a lot of effort — and time — to shore someone up emotionally, and I agree that you are the wrong one to do it. The energy it would require makes sense for a girlfriend, not an ex-girlfriend. If moving is feasible for him, that would be good. If it's not, ride it out, but suggest that, given your past relationship, you are not the one to counsel him; his therapist is. I suspect that when you called it a day, you told him where the potholes were, so I see no reason to continue repeating yourself. And I wouldn't absent yourself on the weekends — just be cordial and go about your business. — Margo, functionally

Not Choosing Mom

Dear Margo: I have a strained relationship with my mother, while I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law. Because my husband often goes out of town for work, we will soon be moving to my husband's hometown. The move is at my request, given that we have no family in our current town, I have three small kids and it would be a breath of fresh air to have family around.

My mother lives in a large city; the in-laws, in a small town, which I prefer. Given the jealousy that my mother feels for my in-laws, how do I tell her that we will be moving to be closer to them? I know she will blame my husband for this. (All things we do that she doesn't like get blamed on him; she still sees me as her "good little girl.") She will soon be 65, so it's not like she's going to change. I just don't want her to become angry and spew lies to my kids. She is excellent at holding a grudge. — Conflicted Daughter in Louisiana

Dear Con: How wonderful that you will soon be living close to the mother you prefer and having the small-town life you want. It is plain that your mother doesn't care for your husband, so go with the flow. You continue as the "good little girl" and let him be the bad guy. As for her trying to poison the well with your kids, I think you can effectively be the truth squad. The good news is that the mother with whom you have a strained relationship is elsewhere. — Margo, geographically

A Funeral Is Not a Popular Vote on Goodness

Dear Margo: A sticky situation certainly will come up, and I'm trying to figure out what to do when it does. I refer to one of my mom's brothers as "Uncle Slime." He is the most mean-spirited, selfish narcissist I have ever known. He speaks poorly of my mother to anyone who will listen. I have heard of this from many people. She is actually the nicest, kindest, most caring person I know. There are other loved ones he has hurt, too, but I am mostly protective of my mom.

The dilemma will come when he dies. Do I go to the funeral for the sake of his kids I do care about? (Three of his seven children take after him.) Do I not go because I, frankly, do not like him or his trophy wife? By the way, this all started when my grandpa died and my mom asked him to not wear blue jeans to the funeral like he did to my grandma's funeral. — Planning Ahead

Dear Plan: I'll say you're planning ahead. I mean, Levi Strauss is still with us. However, I will help you look to the future so that when the time comes you won't even have to think about what to do.

I believe you should go — if only for your mother and the four cousins you do like. Wearing blue jeans to a funeral suggests Uncle Slime has no judgment at all, so I'm guessing anyone who hears him badmouth your mother discounts it right away. Your question is another version of people wondering whether or not to attend a wedding if they don't like the choice of bride or groom. I think attending weddings or funerals should not be a referendum on the choice of a spouse or the personality of the deceased. Were this the case, the pews would often be half-empty. — Margo, appraisingly

Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth, as They Say

Dear Margo: I have a backward problem. I'm getting married this summer, and my parents love my fiance — any parent would, he's a wonderful man. I'm thankful he fits in so well, but sometimes I feel they value him more than me. It's baffling because I was never a black sheep or anything like that. There have been times in our relationship when he did something that annoyed me and I called my mom to vent and found myself listening to her defending him. I wasn't even asking for her to take sides. Just recently, my dad did something that left me feeling cornered and, therefore, obligated to participate in an event. When my mom asked me whether I was going to be there, I told her about my irritation. Her response: "Well, does 'Sam' feel that way, too?" She showed no empathy until she thought Sam might share my feelings.

I can't help but feel my parents no longer value my feelings or opinions in matters that involve Sam. I am hesitant to tell him how much my parents are bugging me, because I don't want him to start seeing them as the dreaded in-laws. So my question to you is this: Am I wrong for feeling slighted, or am I being overly sensitive? — Alabama

Dear Al: Indeed, yours is "a backward problem," because more often the complaint is that the parents can't stand the man in their daughter's life. I do think you're being overly sensitive, and I'm pretty sure what's at play here is that your mom and dad are thrilled with Sam, which in no way takes away from their affection for you. Because of their affection for him, they may be going a little overboard with their overall approach of "What does Sam think?" Try to rearrange your thinking so that you regard your folks' positive feelings as a vote of confidence. And my guess is that you have no brothers, so your intended is the wonderful son they never had. — Margo, fondly

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD