I worked hard for almost 40 years — 50 hours a week, Monday through Friday, with two weeks to four weeks of vacation a year. Now, I want to enjoy the big, beautiful house we live in. I want to stay up late, just like my wife does. I want to sleep in. If I want to watch a game or some golf on TV in the middle of the day, I want to do it without being treated like a lazy bum!

Our first fight occurred when she exploded, saying I'm always under foot and need some outside interests. Well, I play golf with buddies twice a week, have a standing lunch with colleagues once a week and go to my health club almost daily. I am out of the house more than she is! Traveling helps, but it's the same song once we return home.

I always had a low opinion of these guys who divorce their wives late in life and take up with some "trophy wife," but now I'm empathetic. I am heartbroken and angry at the same time. I am "thisclose" to telling her to get out of my house and looking for someone with whom I can actually enjoy my retirement. Mostly, I can't believe this is happening, and I feel my love for her dying a little bit every day. Any ideas? — Mike a.k.a. "Mr. In-the-Way"

Dear Mike: For whatever it's worth, you are not the only guy in this fix. The thing is that the house has been the wife's domain from nine to five for decades. Then the routine changes. Retirement affects a couple, not just the retiree. Your outside activities sound frequent enough that it's not like you are always "under foot." I think counseling is in order, and the adjustment needs to be your wife's. You might point out that some retired guys get a red sports car and are "out" quite a bit. Good luck. — Margo, historically

Who Deals With Mother?

Dear Margo: Exactly what is one's obligation to the parent of a spouse? This has become a sore subject in my marriage. My husband's mother is somewhat needy. She's a widow, and although physically healthy, she has never been very self-sufficient. (She didn't learn to drive until after her husband died.) This is unfamiliar territory for me because my parents are completely the opposite and actually still help me out somewhat. I wouldn't dream of asking him to help with my parents unless absolutely necessary. Additionally, my mother-in-law has three sons (one still lives with her), and we all live close by. I would think, between the three of them, they could handle her needs.

My husband pushes his mother onto me. We have an infant daughter, and I have my hands full already. I make sure that she sees our daughter regularly, and I feel that is the extent of my responsibility. Am I wrong? — "Louise"

Dear Lou: You raise an interesting question. In my generation (you know, when Lincoln was president), somehow attention to the husband's parents traditionally fell to the wife. Not sure why. That seems to be less the case with younger people. In your situation, tell your husband you're doing your part by making sure she sees the baby, and invite him to work out some arrangement with his brothers as to how they all will share the job of looking after their mother. And with one son living at home, the question seems almost moot. You are not wrong. — Margo, rationally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Autism Awkwardness

Dear Margo: My husband and I have a 9-year-old son with severe autism. I cope well enough most of the time, but I would really appreciate your advice about how to handle shopping.

My son may look like a typically developing 9-year-old, but if a loud noise startles him, or if he likes something and wants it, or maybe even for no apparent reason, he will make loud noises or say a few words repetitively, getting louder and louder. He can even have a full-blown meltdown (which is like a temper tantrum on steroids). When that happens, I try to finish my shopping as quickly as humanly possible, grabbing only the bare essentials (milk, bread, etc.) and leaving, apologizing and explaining if asked.

The past several times I have gone shopping, I have been yelled at by complete strangers and one woman tried to lecture my son on proper behavior. I'm at my wits' end on how to respond. Usually, I end up in tears. If I had another way of managing the grocery shopping solo, I would do it. I already do almost all of my other shopping online or on those rare occasions when I can get a sitter. I would really appreciate any advice you could offer on how to handle this shopping nightmare. — Flustered in Florida

Dear Flus: Yelling strangers and lecturers are way out of bounds. The next time someone comes at you for your son's behavior, I would flat-out say to that person: "My son is autistic, and neither he nor I can control his behavior." Most people, I am guessing, will apologize and feel about six inches high. As for the ones who don't get it, ignore them, and perhaps suggest they acquire a little humanity. You have a tough row to hoe, and I think most people understand this — once they know the situation. Let us hope that the quotient of compassionate strangers increases. — Margo, empathetically

Could This Be a Weird Small-Town Custom?

Dear Margo: Recently, my ex-husband died. I decided to pay for his funeral. I have limited experience dealing with funerals and didn't realize that people give charitable donations. For that reason, no statement was placed in the obituary as to where donations should go.

Since we were divorced and no longer lived in the same city, the donations were sent to his mother and sisters. (We have a minor child with college still ahead of her.) The mother and sisters decided to keep the donations for themselves to pay their own personal bills. I can't seem to get this out of my mind. To me, it's a matter of principle and doing the right thing. Please let me know what the proper thing to do should have been. — Baffled

Dear Baff: I have never heard of fundraising for the family in an obituary or a death notice. When you write that "people give charitable donations," that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Surviving family members are not charities, and frankly, I have never heard of such a thing. An example of what is supposed to happen is that if the deceased died of, say, multiple myeloma, there may be a line in the obituary saying, "The family requests that in lieu of flowers, gifts in his memory be made to the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation." As for getting this matter out of your mind, know that you did the good deed of paying for the funeral, and accept that your former in-laws don't know any better. — Margo, eternally

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD