My friend told me there are just a few kids in my grade smoking pot. I don't know who, but apparently my friend knows, and it's supposedly common knowledge in my grade. I was also told that these people are only doing it once every couple of months.

What can I do to help these few people stop, and to get the person at the other school to stop dealing and using? I don't want to ruin his life or get him in trouble, but I am worried that if I don't do something that worse things will happen. Is there anything I can do? — Sally H.

Dear Sal: I am going to give you a realistic answer, not a utopian one. I do not think a high-school freshman can convince another kid to stop smoking dope. And ... if your information is correct that it's only once in a while, that falls under the category of "experimenting."

What I do think is serious is the kid who is dealing. I would advise the head of the school or the juvenile division of your local police department that there's a good chance that so-and-so is dealing. You will be doing that kid a favor, because, being a high-school kid, they will scare the bejesus out of him, that will be the end of that, and he likely will be put on probation. — Margo, interventionally

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Dear Margo: How do you deal with someone who buys you things after you've asked them not to? I'm having this issue with my mother, who does just that. I feel it's rude and disrespectful to do something when a person has asked you not to.

I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I have said multiple times to her, "Please don't get me anything else, as I have no space for anything." I received gifts for both this Christmas and last that I flat-out said I didn't want because I had no room in my kitchen for them. "Do you need pots and pans?" "No, the set I have is still good." Then I get a new set of pots and pans. This goes for other things, as well.

I feel she is trying to compensate for being a bad/absent mother in my teenage years (another letter completely). I don't know how to deal with this and get the message through. It's like she's trying to make my home as cluttered and filled with useless things as hers! — Aggravated

Dear Ag: You have stated your wishes — more than once — and she has ignored them — more than once. What I suggest you do is return whatever it is you don't need for store credit and use the credit to buy gifts for others or things you'd have to buy for yourself (e.g., clothes, office supplies, things for your kids if you have them).

When people are not listening to you, they do not hear you. And a simple "thank you" when these unwanted things arrive, without a reminder that you didn't need it, may startle her into doing things your way. Yours are what I call high-class worries. Too many pots and pans, not enough space? Nah, I think an old emotional situation is playing out. You seem to understand the dynamic, so don't let it get to you. — Margo, perceptively

Good To Go

Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I am considering an advance directive for if I become seriously ill. How can I talk to my family about this without upsetting them? — Wanting a Plan

Dear Want: My mother had what your father wants: hospice at home. This can be arranged through hospitals or hospice care centers. There is a certain naturalness and comfort to doing things this way.

As for your own situation, I believe everyone should have an advance directive or living will long before it is needed. That way, no one can make your decisions for you. Because of your father's situation, bringing up your own wishes will seem quite logical. It's a terrible shame when people who know they don't want heroic measures at the end are subjected to all manner of interventions.

A group called Compassion and Choices has an excellent free "toolkit" for preparing advance directives, which can be downloaded from the website www.compassionandchoices.org (select "care" tab, then "planning for the future"). This group can also guide you in implementing your father's wishes. They offer advice, options and information about end-of-life choices. A peaceful and dignified death is everyone's right. Compassion and Choices will happily talk to anyone, with counselors available free of charge at 1-800- 247-7421. — Margo, reassuringly

Putting Imaginary Fingers in Your Ears

Dear Margo: I am a 29-year-old woman recently married to the love of my life. I just finished a postgraduate degree and am looking for work in my field. We are living with his parents because we can't get our own place on his salary and I am unemployed.

The problem: I'm finding it increasingly difficult to live with them. They've been so generous, which makes me feel guilty, but I'm at the point where I don't even want to talk to them. They are controlling and not at all warm — the complete opposite of my family. I've never once heard them tell my husband they love him; they argue all the time; they push my husband (and by extension, me) to do what they want. For example, they open his bank statements, tell him what he shouldn't eat as a snack and put him down by making comments about his clothes and weight (neither of which is a problem) under the guise of being "helpful."

They told us we should live with them for at least three years (!) because it will help us save for a house. Margo, we don't know where we want to live ultimately and don't want to buy anytime soon. I'm at my wits' end. Moving out now isn't an option, but tell me how I can cope with this until we do. I should also mention that my husband is from a different country, so I am away from all of my friends and family and have basically no support network here. — Drifting and Abroad

Dear Drift: Ah, the different country element adds another piece to your puzzlement, but to be fair, those kinds of parents are in the USA, as well. As a coping mechanism, I would suggest a couple of things. One is to "encourage" your husband, who sounds somewhat passive, to have a talk with them explaining the concept of "privacy" and suggesting that their "suggestions" are making you uncomfortable — being so different from what you've experienced within your own family. To you, I would suggest tuning them out. "Stay for at least three years" can be met with "Mmmm." Make it your game to filter what they say through your new mantra: "I don't think so." — Margo, automatically

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.