Dear Con: Not much. Extricating oneself from an abusive relationship is a do-it-yourself project ... not unlike deciding it's time to get sober. Sad but true, some people have a misguided idea of what love is and how much a partner is supposed to tolerate. Your friend's notion that "marriage is forever," given what's going on in hers, is rationalization and extremely masochistic, at that.

After seven years, I'm sure she is totally brainwashed and feeling quite worthless. This terrible man, in her mind, is the last train out of the station. Such ideas often depend on how the person was raised and what they saw, filtered through their own sense of self. I would give it one last try. Sit her down and say she needn't be this man's pinata and emotional slave. Tell her marriage is not forever — any more than a broken arm is — that there is help, and that you hope she exits the relationship before he kills her. Then you will know you played your trump card, but do understand, in the end, you cannot control the situation. — Margo, forlornly

Sorry, Wrong Number

Dear Margo: I have been in an intimate relationship with a man for a year. We are plus and minus 60 years of age. He enjoys my company, as I do his. The issue is that he refuses to share his cell number with me. He has given me his home number. I have explained how having the cell number would be a convenience for me in communicating with him. He has my cell number, but doesn't call me using his cellphone. He said it was a work phone, but later admitted that prior girlfriends, family and other friends have this number. He isn't married, and I have been to his home many times.

I feel slighted and hurt that I am not included in the group of people to whom he gives this number. I have wondered whether I should end the relationship on this one matter. I am not looking for this to be a permanent relationship, but am just wondering about this one issue at the present time. I have tried dropping this matter several times, but it is bothering me again. Your opinion? — Hurting

Dear Hurt: As a rule, it is the cellphone number that is offered and the home number that is withheld — usually because there's a wife at the other end. You established that he is not married, so it's kind of quirky that he let you know other girlfriends (plus family and friends) have the number — but not you. It sounds like some version of nyah-nyah, I-know-something-you-don't-know.

If he's trying to annoy you — or even if he isn't — ask for an explanation. If none is forthcoming, tell him it's been swell, but his reticence about such a matter is a deal-breaker for you. It is especially convenient that you don't have designs on him as a permanent partner. — Margo, openly

Ditched or Saved?

Dear Margo: I'm 29, and recently, my fiance of eight years walked out the door and never returned. I thought we had a great relationship and never saw this coming. It was a shock to me, my friends, my family and his. While we were bickering before he left (everyday life stuff), I had no idea we were at a serious crossroads. He recently started a new job, so I thought his general unhappiness was related to stress he was encountering at work. (He refused to open up, so I tried to give him space). I even packed his bags as he went home to "relax."

After two weeks of unanswered emails and hanging up on phone calls, he broke up via an answering machine message. I was left canceling a wedding, moving and sorting out our house (we just bought a house and were moving in two weeks' time), canceling accounts, changing documents, etc., all while he went on a trip with his family.

When he returned to this small community after living with his parents for two months (he is 30), I encountered him at our small church. We spoke, and there was absolutely no remorse on his part for his actions. In fact, he told me he feared I would have manipulated him into staying. (What would I have done, tied him to a chair?)

I am hoping you can provide some advice about how to get over this whole fiasco. I am left feeling incredibly stupid that I didn't see this side of his personality, frustrated that he left without telling me what the heck happened, upset that I'm feeling so depressed, and missing him while he continues to act like this was just a walk in the park. I am speaking with my church counselor, but I'm exhausted from crying myself to sleep. — Wool Pulled Over My Eyes

Dear Wool: What a skunk. Rather than crying your eyes out, I would hope you'd start reviewing the personality traits you have avoided, along with a probable divorce. This guy is cavalier, immature, thoughtless and self-centered. And you may need a different therapist to help you get over Mr. Mistake. He simply isn't worth the anguish, and he's proved it. — Margo, providentially

A Story as Old as Men and Women

Dear Margo: I am a former homicide prosecutor in a major city. I prosecuted a man ("Jeff") for killing his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend ("Mary") by shooting her four times in the head while she was riding in his SUV with him. At the time of the killing, they were broken up, but they had continued communicating with each other.

Jeff and Mary met on one of the online dating sites. She moved in with him the day after their first meeting. (I am leaving out a lot of details.) While I would caution anyone against moving so quickly whether you meet online or through other means, I do think people need to take extra care in dealing with those they meet online. However you meet, take things slowly, and do due diligence in checking the other person out.

I suspect you have written previously about this, but I thought my perspective as a prosecutor might bolster your argument. I cannot figure out why people do not make a more serious effort to look out for themselves. — Former ADA

Dear Form: Despite a ton of mail on this subject over the years, your perspective certainly has been more directly influenced than mine. I think the wish to take someone at face value may often be just that: the person has "a nice face." There are, of course, myriad reasons for why women (and men) are taken for a ride — one being that they want to be. The wish for a partner or a romance is often stronger than good sense, causing people to overlook red flags. Hope, apparently, is stronger than evidence. And the beat goes on. — Margo, regretfully

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.