Dear Margo: I need advice. I work in a chain restaurant as a cook making minimum wage. My manager recently told me I have to work three of the four holidays coming up (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Year's Day). I offered to work Christmas Eve and New Year's, but not the other two.
I am a single parent with three small children, and I feel it is unfair that I would have to work a low-paying job on days when I should be spending time with my family. My parents have also said they really don't want to babysit when they are busy hosting our large extended family in their home. They are loving grandparents who enjoy my children; they just would like to enjoy their holiday without the added stress and responsibility of keeping three kids happy and entertained.
Do I have any right to tell my employer I can't work on holidays? It's not right that the higher-paid employees in the company get to enjoy the day off with their families. — Working for a Scrooge
 Dear Work: First, I would try reasoning with your boss, asking if someone without children could take the other two holidays. I would also tell him that four holidays is excessive and that you think your consenting to two is generous. I don't know whether there are "rights" in this matter, but if he rejects your arguments, you must decide, in this rotten economy, whether the job or the holiday is more important. Perhaps check around first to see whether there's another position for you. I wish you luck. — Margo, empathically
When the Time Has Come To Give Someone the Heave-Ho
Dear Margo: This soon-to-be empty nester is desperately seeking advice, or she may fly the coop! My husband of 20 years, a well-respected professional, is distant in every form of communication between husband and wife. When I try to have a conversation with him, the usual response is: "Can't you see I'm doing..." or "I don't want to talk about it now." Then he gets angry when he hasn't been brought up to date on family events.
I compliment him on the work he does around the house with his "handyman" skills, but I never receive any compliments whatsoever. It's like he has built a huge fortress around himself. In the evening, while watching TV or reading the newspaper, he'll be writing a "to-do" list. If I ask him about it, you'd think I was asking him to reveal a top government secret. If I ask what's on his mind, the answer is "nothing." If I ask what he plans on doing today, the answer is "I don't know." When I ask for an opinion about how we should fix something or handle a situation with our children, he tells me, "Quit nagging." If he doesn't get his way, he behaves like a toddler, storming off and then more of the silent treatment.
Our children are heading off to university very soon, and I don't think I can tolerate this anti-social and "top secret" behavior anymore. I am faithful to this man, and I have kept my sanity by creating my own social network and activities with the children that do not involve him. Heeeelp. — Tired of Life Outside the Fortress
Dear tired: What are you sticking around for? If there is a redeeming feature to this uncommunicative and icy man, I couldn't discern it between the lines. I think flying the coop sounds like the perfect response to this turkey, and the timing is superb. Something is eating him, but all right, already. I would do him the courtesy of announcing that you have had it with his peculiarities, and that unless he can give you a good reason not to, you are filing for divorce. — Margo, justifiably
For the Benefit of Alzheimer's Research
To my readers: I have only helped a researcher once before. I am doing it again because this project has to do with Alzheimer's disease — a destructive, sad and omnipresent misfortune. It is on the march and affecting increasing numbers of families. The information below will allow some of you to do something constructive, and it might offer an afflicted loved one the chance to feel that they are contributing something important and valuable. Have a look, and see whether your city offers the opportunity.
Dear Margo: Like millions of Americans, I am living through the painful process of watching my mother struggle with Alzheimer's disease. This very difficult experience is one of the many reasons I am proud and grateful to be leading one of the largest studies ever on Alzheimer's disease, with the hope of uncovering vital information that could change the course of this now incurable and fatal condition.
It is important for people to know that one of our greatest challenges with Alzheimer's is not the disease itself. The biggest hurdle we face is finding enough study volunteers to allow the research to continue at the pace needed to be successful against this "silent epidemic." Today, 5.3 million people suffer from this horrible disease, and, as many of your readers know all too well, we caregivers often feel helpless. But we can do something about it.
Together, we can make progress against Alzheimer's. My colleagues and I across the country want to put an end to Alzheimer's disease, but we can't do it without volunteer partners in science. And that is where we are asking for your readers' help. One way to get involved is to go to www.adni-info.org or call 1-800-438-4380 to volunteer. We are committed to finding a cure for Alzheimer's disease, but we can't do it without you. — Michael W. Weiner, M.D., Principal Investigator, Alzheimer's Disease Neuroimaging Initiative (ADNI), University of California, San Francisco
When Language Is a Barrier
Dear Margo: My problem is not the most earth-shattering, but since I find myself on the opposite sides of the same etiquette rule, I would like to hear your response.
It often has been said by many people that it's rude to point out that someone's being rude. So what am I to do when a co-worker of mine, when seated with several people at lunch, continuously speaks across the table to others in a language that is not spoken by me or some of the other people, or speaks in this language to others in front of me? And what am I to do if a dear friend, when entering a room, hears a few of us speaking a certain other language and interrupts mid-sentence without letting us finish with, "You are speaking this language again. Don't speak it now!" I am at a loss as to how I am supposed to behave being caught at the opposite ends of rudeness. — Lost in Translation.
Dear Lost: You would probably feel better if you could be consistent when it comes to other languages. Regarding the co-worker addressing someone in their common language (not yours), the only excuse for this would be if that person did not speak English. If she does, then you might take the two of them aside and say it feels rude to the others. In the second instance you cite, I am wondering why you are doing what you dislike in others. The person who is admonishing you is simply acting on the feelings that you, yourself, have in the same situation. Bottom line: Using a foreign language is only acceptable in company if someone in the group does not speak English.
It is OK to point this out gently, and privately, to those who choose to go back and forth in two languages. — Margo, considerately
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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